Appointments and Dreams

Appointments-

Okay, in this case I don't mean the 'Godly calling' type appointments I mean we finally have an appointment for Scott's security review!

He goes tomorrow at 11:30am to review with the Sgt some last minute questions and then his security review is on Wed. at 9am.

This is assuming nothing cancels the appointment this time.

Ya just never know!

Dreams- Literally!

I had a dream last night about all this, which is highly unusual for me. I don't typically dream about things going on in my life. I am one of those wierdo dreamers. I have crazy things in my dreams that would bring giddy grins to psychologists and dream interpreters. I can have some crazy dreams.

This entire last week I have had dreams about my day, my week, our issues...just our day to day. Last night I dreamed that we got the answer to the Army question. I have dreamed nothing Army related at all this entire 11 months.

This morning when I told Scott about my dream he asked me what the answer was. I told him that I honestly have no idea what the answer was, but we got the answer and, Scott was the happiest I have ever seen him. Straight giddy!

The thing that stood out in my mind the most from the dream wasn't the lack of knowing what the answer was, and in the dream I wasn't at all concerned with what the answer was. In the dream I was aware that I didn't know what the answer was and I didn't care. All I cared about was enjoying watching how happy and joy-filled Scott was.

After pondering it a bit this morning I really think this is God's way of saying that it doesn't matter what the answer is and that I shouldn't be so concerned and fixated on the answer because the outcome of the answer, whether it be the one we want or don't want, scary or disappointing, it was going to bring us so much joy and happiness if it was done in following with God's will.

I would love to see my husband in real life as happy as he was in my dream. Hopefully, if we honor God through our prayers and discernment and patiently wait for the answer, in His timing, then I will get that wish.

So what do I think about all this Army stuff?

11 Months Later-

I am very proud of Scott as I have seen an entirely new side of him that I didn't know existed. A side that is persistent and committed and willing to go the extra distance it takes to pursue what he thinks he is supposed to do. True, none of us ever really know if we are supposed to do something or not and sometimes God closes doors to things we are just convinced we are supposed to do and sometimes He asks us to do things that we never imagined. We don't really understand why, but trust that it is part of the process of growth in our lives.

We trust!

We choose to not get stuck in the "whys" of life, but to see the opportunity in the answer. Right now we are waiting on the answer, and while we don't yet know what that answer is I feel confident that what ever the answer is we will respect God and move forward. It has been a long process, but whether this turns out to be a 'yes' or a 'no' that the process was still important in our lives in some way.

Scott definitely has the recent words of the Srgt fresh in his mind. Hearing him say that the chances are slim that he will get an appointment that match his qualifications and it will more than likely be something he never imagined, simply because he has prior military service and they don't like that, was not easy to hear 11 months into this.. he has worked very hard in school and in his career and former service and in his personal life to gain the respect of his peers and to excel in life and to accept that it is possible that none of those things will matter at all, is well, tough.

And yes, we do have the choice to say no. But should we? Should we say no if the appointment is not equal to what Scott is capable of or it God is asking him to do something we never imagined. If God gives us peace with the options presented , even if that doesn't make sense, then are we to say 'no' just because it doesn't make sense? Or is there maybe a part of this that we can't see that God does? One of those silver linings or blessings in disguise?

Isn't faith saying 'yes' when it doesn't make sense... recognizing and trusting that God will intervene in a profound way if we are going in the wrong direction...trusting in the promise that God will protect and care for us if we are in line with what He wants?

God knows the plans He has for us...they are plans to prosper us and not to harm us; Plans to give us hope and a future...a lot of people stop there with this great verse in Jeremiah, but if you read one more line it says "for those who come to me and pray to me, I will listen." We are committed to prayer and willing to accept the answer what ever it may be.

I am a very rational person and I tend towards the realistic side of things. I like to think things through and look at the big picture and I like to know what is going to happen next.

However, God has taught me through my experiences of the past few years, and experience is how a rational person's faith is strengthened, that I can trust God even when it doesn't make sense. I have spent many years pushing against that surrender. I was a faithful follower, but I was faithfully resisting God leading my life in every way. If it didn't make sense in the context of my understanding I was unwilling to do it. I have seen how difficult life can be when you choose to try and do it alone.

Since learning through those difficult experiences that no matter what I thought I was never really in control of anything all along. I have now seen what can happen when God goes along on our journeys and then I have seen what happens when we let God lead.

We have our dreams, but our dreams are limited by what we think we can do...when we let God lead we are not limited to anything, and God can show us what can happen through us when He is in control. He can show us things and bless us with things we never ever even knew were possibilities, because our brains just can't fathom what God can do. Right now I am trying to see my husband through God's eyes rather than through my own limited human vision. I ponder what could God possibly have planned and ask God to inspire me to trust and believe that He has big plans for Scott, rather than limit Scott to what I think should happen.

I am proud of Scott as he has said that he is more than willing to go in where they need as long as that means following what he feels God is asking of him. We won't know until it happens.

He believes this is a calling and that just like God often calls people to jobs that are humbling in order to grow them or help others, he might be called to a job he wouldn't otherwise think he should do if that's where God needs him.

This doesn't mean that we are making decisions based on abstract and fluffy feelings of 'we should' or 'we shouldn't" or "God told us to." We are talking about taking all of the evidence of the past 11 months and with the knowledge and reason God has given us, combined with our own committed prayer and the prayers of those people we know we can trust, and making a solid and faithful decision. Then we ask God to give us peace about the decision and if no peace comes then we must re-evaluate if we have misunderstood God.

I personally believe that God raises up men and women in service who are faithful believers in order to protect and care for them in a Christian way. Scott is willing to accept that God may be asking him to serve in this way, at this point in his life, by having prepared him with his former service and education, but even more than that through the character development and faith that has been strengthened in him through the struggles of the past 5 years.

I don't know if God is raising Scott up for such a task, but I do think if God was to raise up a man with exceptional values and a strong faith to do a job that God needed done through our military, that there is a very good chance it would be my husband.

I have been upfront with Scott that if he did this 5-10 years ago I would have never been okay with it, because I had no evidence of his character under stress at that time. I would have said he was being selfish and crazy.

But now- now I have seen a man who has grown in wisdom from the experiences and struggles of our life. Not the happy times- the happy times do very little to develop our character. It is the tough times- the times that take your very breath away and bring you to your knees to God in desperation. The times where the only option is fully relying on God.The times when you don't think you can go on.

Times like watching a child die, seeing your wife through a life-threatening illness, losing your job and the fear that you can't provide for your family. You see the reality of someone's character when they are under stress and God has molded and refined Scott into a faithful and prayer-guided man who loves God even when life is hard. He wants to do what's right for the right reasons and he wants to answer God's call, whatever it might be. Glamorous or not, high paying or not...dare I say, dangerous or not. As much as I love my husband, God loves him more than me.

Some people might think that I am crazy for supporting him in this, but I have evidence that I can trust my husband. He has stood by my side through things that would make a lot of men say they just couldn't handle it.

Not just physically present, but he has been there for me and for our family. He has supported me going back to school full-time so that I could pursue my dreams and he took a huge degree of the work load during that 3 years. Now he has stepped up into a role he never expected to be in while I work, and he has done it with an outstanding attitude and commitment to do what's best for our family. He has waited and waited and now, for the first time since I have known him, he has asked me for something. He has a desire of his heart that he believes God has put there.

Maybe God has been waiting and preparing him for this time and if all the things in our life have led to this time, for him, then I will not stand in the way of that simply because I am afraid or it is not convenient for what I had planned.
I trust God! God has seen us through terrible times, but has always faithfully allowed us to be blessed despite the circumstances. If Scott feels called I support him and trust that God has all the details already worked out. We went through a lot of our challenges very young, but Scott still was there for me and together we will pray and look ahead about what God wants.

I choose not to let fear guide my choices because fear is not of God. Fear that is allowed to run rampant in our hearts and minds turns to really bad choices. God does not want us to be afraid, but God recognizes fear is a part of life and asks us to turn that over to Him and trust.

I choose to let prayer and God's will guide me and if Scott says it is not what he is supposed to do then I trust that too. Scott deserves to have the chance to make an impact on the lives of others and if God is calling him to do it in this way, choosing another path because we are afraid, or because it is not convenient, or because we had limitations on what we trusted God with, is far more risky than any battlefield.

When people turn from what God calls them to, that is when you should really be afraid, because the consequences of running from God's will is far riskier than answering that call in the face of very real danger.

Yes, I know that there is a chance this means a dangerous appointment, which I don't want, and yes, I know that it could be an extended time away, which I hate the thought of as I have only spent a handful of nights by myself in my entire life and I love my husbands company, but choosing to say no to something you feel God asking you to do has consequences so much worse than any of that.

The truth is that bad things happen everywhere, not just in the military or on the battlefield. People are in car accidents on their way to their careful and mundane desk jobs. People get sick(don't I know it) and I definitely want to grow old with my husband, but I don't want to be the one who prevents him with guilt and fear from having the opportunity to change lives and maybe even save lives.

If God created my husband to serve in this way it is no less of a calling or appointment than that of a pastor or doctor or missionary. God may have plans for Scott that I or Scott simply can not fathom the importance of. He might have plans for me or for our children to be impactful in some way at the place where Scott's appointment would bring us. Whether or not we are willing to accept that call could be a determining factor not just in our, but in the lives of others.

I saw a really great quote about love yesterday as I was pondering all this.

It was from Antoine de Saint-Exupery and it read, " True love is not staring into each others eyes, but gazing together in the same direction." Scott looked in the direction I was called to go in because he loves me and trusted me and thanks to him I was able to see my dreams come true. We have weathered more in our 10 year marriage than many couples will see in a life time together and if I trust my husband and I trust God then I need to look with him towards what is possible and not try and hold him down by desperately staring at him with fear in my eyes.

I am not afraid as long as our decision is prayerful and God-led. That does not mean I don't have fear. I do, because I am human, but I choose to not let fear make my decisions for me and I choose not to let my fear guilt my husband into not doing something he feels called to. I choose to see the opportunity and blessings in what God may have in store, instead of what I may loose or the sacrifices I may have to make.

And if this isn't God's will I trust that there will be a door closed so where this won't move forward. I will respect it as God's protection from something that would not have benefited our family or anyone else and that God has a different plan in mind for Scott and that this was simply part of the process of getting him there.

If you join us in prayer please pray that God's will is clear to us and that we will be encouraged and peaceful in the direction we are meant to go with and that doors will close and not budge in the directions that are wrong for us.

How we got here

I double posted today and below this post is an Army update that we got this morning.
This could get long so I decided to do this in a few parts. Here is the first.

How we got here-

I have been pretty conservative and quiet about my feelings on all this Army stuff. I have expressed frustration over the process because I see my frustrated husband, but other than that I have kept pretty quiet about what I think.

I get asked a lot how I feel about my husband coming to me and saying that he wanted to be an Army officer. Well, I was definitely surprised in Jan when Scott told me he had been doing a lot of thinking about it over the past 6 months as he drove past the recruiters station everyday.

For some reason the Army seemed to be where he was drawn to, despite his 7 years of prior Naval service. There are a lot of things my husband is, but spontaneous is not one of them. Take into consideration I have often touted that I could never be a military wife(God is SO funny!) and so for my very passive-hearted and eager to please husband you know that he had to really be feeling it to go there with me.

Thankfully, God protected my husband at that time and censored my reaction to him. I was calm and passive because honestly thought that this would last about 1-2 weeks and then he would move on. He has also been eagerly searching for a job every single day of the past 11 months so I really thought it would all end when he found a job. So I just didn't think about it much on purpose, which means I didn't talk about it too much on purpose. Time passed and challenges presented and I watched my normally passive husband become more and more determined going as far as to write senators and congress people for his case. All the while he still determinedly looked for a job, continued on in Grad school and through the Army process.

My husband has never asked me to do anything as he does not like change...seriously he HATES change, and so I thought I would humor him for a while until this all blew over. I have never seen Scott really convicted about anything so I had no idea how persistent he could actually be over something he really believed in.

A lot of people think that he did this as out of desperation because of the job situation, but I an tell you that while every man wants to be able to provide for his family this was not at all a factor in the decision for him to pursue this.

Scott was laid-off in Jan and it was that week he told me this. He pondered whether or not the job loss was meant to be the catalyst that would encourage him to seek this out, but at that point we were not in any financial crisis and we didn't not think he would be jobless for long.

We were concerned knowing that the economy seemed to be headed down, but never thought it would be hard for him to find another job. We had an 8 month savings at that time that would see us through and he was collecting unemployment so there was no financial desperation. Scott simply saw the job loss as an opportunity to see if this was what he was supposed to do. Sometimes God speaks to our hearts for a while on things before they happen. We think about it off and on for a while wondering and then the opportunity presents itself, and that is very much how this started.

Tomorrow I will post about what I think about all this.

Update

As of this morning we have a few answers to some of our random questions about Scott's progress.

Scott spoke to the Srgt this morning and evidently he is trying to get him in either M, T or Wed since he had the Srgt wasn't able to go this past Monday as planned.

This is for the age waiver and security clearance review board.
He should know that day if he can continue on to OCS(Officers Commissioning School).

If either doesn't come through and OCS is not an option and enlistment is the only option for Scott he would then go to see the enlistment counselor(kinda of the guidance counselor of the Army) who will review his file, previous experience, education and test scores and with that information give Scott the available job options at that moment.

Now you would think that with Scott's extremely high test scores(there actually isn't a job anywhere in the Army, including intelligence that Scott's test scores are not high enough for) and his former decorated service, including nuclear training school and his civilian education in what they consider to be engineering that he would be a shoe in for a great job...

However, I am finding more and more that very little is as it seems and stuff just doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes in this process.

Evidently, the Srgt explained to Scott that for some reason they turn their nose up at former service people when they are considering them for job opportunities and most times give them the bottom of the barrel type jobs which require no minimum scores. I know, makes no sense... maybe they have a reason but it makes no sense.

This could mean that it is very likely he won't be given a job that considers his scores or former expereince even if they are available. The other side to this is one in the slate is clean and the ground is level for all and he would not be limited in his advancement, opportunity for other jobs or promotions and he would go in at his current rank which is higher than 50% of the people already there and his former service would no longer hurt him.

He will know what is available, job wise, before he would sware in, which is a HUGE deal.

Also- even if he doesn't get the job he wants it doesn't mean that if he goes in as one thing that he can't put in for a transfer as he shows them what he is capable of.

He can also take into consideration the job he is offered when determining his term(2 years or longer) and if it is going well after two years and he is advancing and being given opportunities then he could just re-enlist after two years.

He also can choose to wait a little while and check back on the jobs if there isn't anything he feels called to.

He has been wanting the Core of engineers or Intelligence, which is very unlikely that they will even have that available.

SO there's the update. I have had a lot of questions about how I feel about all this so I am going to post later on that because I think it is important for people who love us and support us to know where I stand on all this.

Happy Veterans Day

I thank God that there are so many women and men who have bravely volunteered over the history of our country to fight and ensure our freedom…my freedom…my children s freedom.

I couldn't be more proud of my husband who served 7 years in the Navy in both the first Gulf War and in Somalia.

And his father who served an entire career of 30 years as a Srgt Major in the Marine Corps. He fought for you and me in Vietnam, Korea and was in the bombing of Beirut.

I thank my dad who served in the National Guard and my grandfathers and uncle who also both served in various branches of the military.

When I think of the sacrifices that they made and that of the soldiers out there right now fighting in a war that is hardly more than an after thought to most Americans, it makes me think of how easy my day was today.

I think that, it is because of their sacrifice we get the chance to sit at our desks and in our homes and be completely oblivious to the realities of this world.

Whether you agree or disagree on this war or any war, I think we can all agree that we are blessed because of the sacrifice of others much braver than we are.

Generations of soldiers willing to die for the idea of a free country that didn’t even exist at the time have shaped our country to be the free nation it is…imperfect, yes, because it always has been and always will be run by imperfect people who make mistakes, but free and hopeful.

Hopefully, as a country we learn from our mistakes, but even with that imperfection and those mistakes and our constant disagreements on how things should be done, there is hope for a country that has men and women who value honor and justice and have a love for freedom so deep in their hearts that they are willing to risk their lives for it.

If freedom is the catalyst at the heart of our soldiers and the drive created by the honor and justice that these men and women seek; then at their very core is a desire for peace.

However, peace, nor justice, nor freedom come free. There is always a cost. Sometimes that cost a very high one.

Sometimes we make the right choices as a people and sometimes we don’t, but the very truth of it is that most of us who enjoy this freedom don’t understand the cost and we don't want to hear about the cost even when the campaign is clearly the right thing to do. When the lines get blurry about whether we are doing the right thing or wrong thing as a country we become even more squirmy and mouthy about it, but we still don't really understand it.

But if you will notice, the ones who are doing all of the sacrificing are the ones who silently serve on behalf of us all, without complaint because they feel they are called to protect. I thank God for them.

And the very reason the rest of us get to complain about our lives, about our country, about our government is because of the service of those within our military. Thanks to them we don't have to understand, but we do owe them our gratitude and respect.

I hate the idea of war. I wish war was not a part of our world... but it is. Evil people do evil things. Power and money can lead to horrible choice, but whether or not I like this war or the idea of war at all will never change how grateful I am for the people who are willing to serve.

So if you find yourself wondering about why the post office was closed today or why you had to find childcare for your kids bc they were out of school and you were annoyed by this inconvenience, remember that what ever inconvenience this day maybe brought to your life doesn’t hold a candle to the sacrifices made so that you could wake up this morning in a free country with the permission to complain. Most of us have no idea what making sacrifices every day of our lives for the benefit of others looks like, but today we honor those who do.

Happy Veterans Day to all our service men and women!

Poor Jaxon

I can not tell you how generally lucky we have been with our kids being sick. Since Braden's issues a few years ago and Isabelle's allergies now being under control we have been SO lucky and have had super healthy kids who rarely get even a cold or stomach bug.

I think all three got through last winter with maybe just a runny nose and a bad bought of croup for Jaxon 2years ago.

Our luck ran out...

While at church yesterday Jaxon started running a fever and quickly became very lethargic.

By the time we got home at 11am I nearly passed out when the temp read 105! We got on the phone with the nurse who stayed on the phone with me for nearly 30 minutes. We were only able to get it down to 103 throughout the day and Scott and I took turns taking the big kids out so that Jaxon could rest in quiet. Despite wets rags, alternating fever meds every 4 hours he was back up to 105 by 11pm and we were back on the phone with the nurse and walking around with him outside trying to cool him off.

She listened to his breathing over the phone and said she could hear him wheezing and asked us to go to the ER, but then realized that bc of the croup we had a nebulizer and asked us to do that first. It got rally scary when Jaxon starting yelling that he couldn't close his eyes and he was so agitated. I still don't know what that was all about.

The nebulizer helped some with the wheezing, but we were still fighting the fever. I slept in the bed with Jaxon and Scott came in and woke us up every hour to check his temp and give him fluids. God bless Scott! Somehow we made it to this morning.

I am staying home this morning from work to take Jaxon in. The nurse made the appointment last night and said they would probably want to do a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia since he had already had both regular flu and H1N1 vaccines.

Scott took the big kids to school and I am going to take Jaxon in to the doctor so Scott can get a little rest this morning and assuming Jaxon is okay I will probably go in around lunchtime.

Other news- Braden was the youngest boy invited to join the pre-team gymnastics team and he was so excited!! They think he will probably move to team within 6 months to a year, whic will still be before he is age eligable to comptete if Braden decides he wants to do that. I will have to take some video and post it. Watching him do the rings and flip and hold himself upside down with his little arms all the way out to the side is amazing.

In dance news-They are thinking that the dance they will do for his group is either Witch Doctor(Chipmunks version), Hit the Road Jack(Braden being Jack) or Red Ridding Hood(Braden being the wolf). This is the number 6 dance studio in the nation so regardless of what they choose I know it will be well done.

Isabelle had a very long week of testing at school as they did the IOWA's last week. She had an outstanding report card two weeks ago with nothing below a 94%!

She is loving her dances this year, which are "Guitarzan", "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" and "Harry Potter".

Scott was supposed to go in today for his security review and would have gotten some answers as well, but the srgt has been really sick and has his file and he called on Sat to say he couldn't take him today, so probably next Monday... Bummer! They do still think he will make the Nov. 25th deadline to go before the review board the first week of December.

Tomorrow I will do a Tyler's Tree update.

Please keep Jaxon in your prayers and that we don't pass it all around the family and then back again as so often happens when one person gets sick.

Bad Days

So I had a bad day yesterday...okay, so I have had a few bad days it seems...

Well, despite my bad day(s) this helped A LOT!!!

My sweet hubbie sent me these at work today.

I walked back into the office after lunch and this was on my desk.

This was immediately after a complete meltdown from hearing my middle son was having severe swelling from a yellow jacket sting while on a field trip with his Kindergarten class.

Don't you just hate that call? The one that starts with "This is so and so's teacher" If they don't immediately say 'everything is okay' then your stomach drops.

Braden was out on a pumpkin farm field trip when hand met yellow jacket as he picked up that pumpkin he had been waiting to get for weeks. Poor kid! None of my kids have ever had a bee sting so I had no clue what to do or how he would react.

So the teacher says that his hand has swollen a lot more than what makes her comfortable and that they are getting on the bus to head back to school so Scott went and picked him up from school.

At some point the school was not able to contact the bus by radio or any of the teachers by cell phone while they were on the way back and had us totally panicked that he had had some kind of reaction causing them to be delayed. The bus arrived 1 hour and 15 minutes later with Scott and I just about on the verge of a total meltdown.

By the time the bus had returned the swelling was nearly gone and other than pain(I hear yellow jackets hurt) he is fine.

Given his lung disease we had to call the pulmonogist who said we should give him round the clock benadryl for 24 hours, regardless.

Other news-Isabelle is taking the IOWA standardized testing at school all this week and Jaxon had his first school picture today. So much is going on I can hardly keep up.

Scott goes back tomorrow to the recruiting station where he will turn in his security paperwork and age waiver and then on Monday he will go for his security and age waiver review. As I have said about many other things, there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why some age waivers get approved and others don't, but according to the srgt. we should have some answers on Monday before he leaves.

Aren't my flowers so pretty! I even thought about taking them back to work with me tomorrow so I could stare at them all day again and think about how lucky I am to have a sweet husband who works extra after the kids go to bed each night and spends the money on being sweet to me!